Withdrawal
by CrimeShowFanatic2001
Summary: After being more open with the team, Hotch starts to withdraw and it's worse than normal. What is his reason? Will the team find out? Jack and Haley never existed. Later chapters will be more mature in nature.
1. Drinks?

Aaron was sitting behind his desk focusing on his paperwork when there was a knock at the door.

"Come in", Hotch said, not paying attention to who it was.

"Hey, it's almost time to leave, the team and I were wandering if you wanted to come for a few drinks?", Derek asked. "It is the weekend after all".

Hotch leaned back in his chair considering the offer. He had been a lot more open with the team lately, emotionally and physically. For the past few days he couldn't help but feel anxious around them. It was nothing they had done, it was what they didn't know about him that scared him.

"Thanks for the offer Morgan but I think I'll pass. Raincheck?" Hotch said.

"Sure Hotch, if you change your mind you know where to find us."

As Derek left his office, Aaron let out a sigh of relief.

In the bullpen, Derek was explaining the situation to the rest of the team.

"Did he say why he didn't want to come?" asked Reid.

"No...maybe he's just tired, this was a hell of a case", said Derek whilst shrugging his shoulders.

"Maybe, I just think it's a little strange. Lately he rarely passes up the opportunity to spend time with us", Emily said.

"Yeah... he's probably just busy, got a lot of stuff to do", JJ said.

"Probably. Anyway, if we plan on getting out of here anytime soon we should finish this paperwork", Rossi said.

Back up in his office, Aaron sat behind his desk trying to focus on his work but his mind kept wondering. He couldn't stop thinking about this huge secret he was keeping from his friends... his family. He wanted to tell them but he didn't know how. He was good at lying and acting like everything was ok, he'd kept this secret from the age of 12.

Aaron shut his eyes and leaned forward with his head in his hands. He stood up and collected his things, making his way towards the door.

As he walked down the stairs and towards the elevator Aaron couldn't help but feel eyes following him. He looked to his left and saw his friends quickly avert their eyes. Aaron started walking faster, he just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. He reached the elevator and stood shuffling his feet until it pinged to a stop. He got on and turned to face the doors, he didn't dare look up though so he stared at the floor until the doors slid shut./p


	2. The Bar

As soon as the team got to the bar, Rossi and Emily went to get the first round of drinks. Derek grabbed Penelope and they made their way to the dance floor. JJ and Reid sat down at the table and started talking, straining trying to hear each other. After a few minutes David and Emily made their way over to the table with 6 drinks, somehow managing not to drop one. They called Garcia and Morgan over and they sat down.

After about 45 minutes of drinking, they got onto the topic of Hotch.

"So what do you guys think is up with Aaron lately?", Derek asked. A look of confusion on his face.

"Yeah, I don't know. He's been fine for the last few months and now all of a sudden he's being all distant", said JJ.

"I think he's hiding something", Rossi said.

"What do you mean? What could be so bad that he has to hide it from us?", said Emily. "He's my best friend, why would he hide anything from me?". Emily had a gloomy look settle on her face.

"It might not be anything big to us but to him it could be a huge issue", Reid said.

"Well clearly whatever it is, it's weighing on his mind heavily", Derek said.

"Oh Hotchy... I don't like the thought of him going through inner turmoil", Garcia said, looking unhappy.

The conversation started dying down, everyone had different scenarios running through their heads of what could be wrong with Aaron. The guys finally left, leaving the girls to talk and finish their drinks.

"Maybe we should go to talk to Aaron, it might make it easier for him to get this massive secret off his chest if it's just us", JJ said.

"...Maybe...", said Emily and Garcia together.

The girls finished off their drinks, grabbed their coats and left the bar.

A couple of miles away, Aaron sat in bed, not able to sleep. He laid down on his back and stared at the pitch black ceiling. He let out a sigh.

'I need to tell them', he thought. 'I've been presented so many opportunities over the years that I've known them but every time I open my mouth to finally say something, no words would come out'.

A tear fell from Aaron's eye, he turned on his side and closed his eyes. He tried to fall asleep... if only he could switch his brain off.


	3. A List and Shower Fun

Aaron shot up in bed. Breathing heavily, he realised it was just a dream... the same dream he'd been having since the age of 12, it was always the same. The only difference was that as he grew older, the people in his dream got older too. He laid back down and looked at his phone on his bedside table, it read 5 am. It was an hour before he had to get up and get ready for work. He decided there was no point trying to go back to sleep, he'd just have another dream.

He started getting lost in his thoughts, thinking about what this dream meant... well, he knew what it meant but there was an ongoing battle going on between his brain and his heart. Wandering if he should just get it over and done with, just tell everyone.

'Well, maybe not everyone', he thought to himself, imagining his families reaction. Especially his mothers.

At the very least he was considering telling the team, they were the closest thing he had to a 'real' family. Maybe not all 6 of them at once though. He got out of bed and made his way to his home office, he walked over to a set of drawers and dug out a notepad and pen. He sat down at his desk and started to make a list of who he was going to tell, in what order he was going to tell them and the reasons for why he was going to tell them.

He wrote:-

Emily

I decided I would probably tell her first because she is my best friend, along with David of course. Not only is she my best friend, she's like a sister and I know that no matter what, she would love me, just like I love her.

David

Other than Emily, David was my best friend. Scratch that, Dave was like an uncle to me, although I'd never tell him that. Can't let his ego get too big. He had mentored me and shown me the ropes, so to speak. We are extremely close... and I just hope we remained that way after my secret is revealed.

JJ

JJ is like my little sister. I've always wanted a little sister to be honest and now that I have one, I really don't want to lose that. I know I need to tell her and I will, I just don't know when.

Penelope

Penelope will be easy to tell. She's probably the most open-minded person on this list. They're all open-minded but Penelope is just more culturally aware of issues such as mine. She would also never judge me and I love her for that.

Spencer

Spencer is my annoying little brother/nephew that no one asked for but are extremely grateful to have him. To be honest, I'm telling him for the same reasons I'm telling Penelope. He'll probably just give everyone a lecture for about 45 minutes and we'll let him because we love him.

Derek

Derek will probably be the most difficult person to tell on this list. Not because I'm expecting a bad reaction but because of everything he's been through in his life. I don't want to trigger any bad memories and I really don't want to damage our friendship over something like this.

Aaron set his pen down and leaned back in his chair. He picked the notepad up and carefully read over everything and decided that that would be enough for now, if he decided to add anyone else to his list later then he would. He placed the pad back on the table and looked at the clock on the wall, it read 5:45 am, so he decided to start getting ready for work. He tore the page he'd been writing on from the notepad and took it to his bedroom with him.

He put the piece of paper down on his dresser and walked to his en-suite bathroom. He started thinking about the dream he'd been having again. Even just thinking about it for a split second made his penis begin to harden and soon enough he looked down and there was a definite tenting in his pants. He took off his pyjama pants and turned on the shower. He waited for it to warm up before getting in.

He took care of all the essentials first, so he grabbed his bottle of shampoo and squirted a little bit into his hand. He began massaging it into his hair and then stepping back into the stream of water to rinse it out. He then grabbed his body wash and poured that into his hands. Down his arms, across his hairless chest and down his flat stomach before finally bending over to do his legs. After standing upright and washing off the excess soap, it's time to get down to business.

[Explicit content - I post this story over at Archive Of Our Own under the name 'Hotch4Life; if you would like to read it.]

Wrapping a towel around his waist, he walked up to the bathroom mirror and looked at his reflection. He grabbed a comb from the bathroom counter and attempted to tame his hair. Once that was over with, he looked at his 5 o'clock shadow/stubble and decided he liked how it looked and thought he might try out a new look for work. Having made this decision he walked back to his bedroom and began to dry off, he then dropped the towel and picked out his clothes for the day. Black pants, white shirt, black blazer... something was missing though, he wanted a splash of colour. He went over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of neon pink and yellow boxer-briefs and pulled them up his legs and proceeded to pull on the rest of his clothes before finally picking out a simple, black tie.

Aaron checked the time on his phone again and saw that it was 6:45 so he quickly pocketed his phone, grabbed his list from the dresser and went into the living-room. He saw his briefcase sitting on the coffee table so he put the list neatly inside, closed it and picked it up. Lastly, he took his car keys and walked out of his apartment and made his way to the office, ready to get the day over with.


	4. The Letter

Aaron arrived to work and parked his car in his usual spot. He got out and grabbed his briefcase from the passenger seat. He was just closing the door when a voice startled him.

"Hey Hotch."

He jumped and turned around to see Emily, his best friend.

"Oh, hey Emily," he replied, keeping his eyes trained on the ground.

"Hey before we go up, can I ask you something?" Emily asked.

"You just did but go ahead." Hotch had a funny feeling he knew what the upcoming questions would be.

"Haha very funny Hotch. Seriously though, what's going on with you lately? You've just seemed very distant," Emily said, looking sad and confused.

"I know, I'm just going through some stuff right now. All will be revealed soon. I promise," Aaron replied, he had nearly the same exact look on his face that Emily had except he knew for a fact what was wrong with him. There was no need for him to be confused about anything.

Emily didn't look convinced but didn't want to press on the issue. That would get her nowhere.

"Ok," she said. "If you need to talk I'm always here for you. You know that right? Hell, the entire team are right behind you, just say the word."

"I know Emily, I promise I'll be fine. I just need to work through this and then you'll be the first to know." And he would... as soon as he figured out how to get this off his chest.

They walked over to the elevator, making small talk along the way and got in. When they arrived on their floor they parted ways, Emily heading for her desk to do a little paperwork and Hotch heading for his office.

He sat down at his desk and placed his briefcase on top of it. He opened it and dug out his list, looking through it again and came to the conclusion that if he was going to tell them out loud, he should tell himself out loud too.

As it was a slow day and they had no active cases, he put his briefcase on the floor beside his desk and put the list on top of a set of folders on his desk. He dug a pit of paper out of his desk drawer and found a pen.

He began writing:-

Dear me,

This is probably the weirdest thing I've ever done. Writing a letter to myself. It's gonna be hard dissecting all the years since I was 12 but here we go. I've always known I was different and I don't mean in a gifted way. When I was 12, I thought that it was more of a hindrance or curse to be honest. I used to cry myself to sleep every night wondering 'why me?'. I never got an answer to that question. I just learned to deal with it. Although I learnt to live with it, I never got over my internal fear of someone finding out. One of my deepest fears is losing the people closest to me, whether it be by death or because they didn't like who I am. It was one of the reasons I am so reluctant to tell anyone. Even though I have this terrifying fear inside my head at all times, I also know that if I don't tell anyone soon I'll either go insane or kill myself. So here it goes... I was playing truth or dare with a bunch of friends in the park one day and someone was dared to kiss me, I was shocked and not entirely ready and I made up some excuse to go home. I ran up to my bedroom when I got there and closed the door. I ran into my bathroom and looked in the mirror at my reflection, staring at my lips and I lifted my fingertips to brush against them and suddenly everything was clear as day... I knew

"... I'm gay..." he whispered to himself.


End file.
